A Letter to My Husband Who Died in the Ukrainian War
Hello!!! My sunshine!
Editor1
A Letter to My Husband Who Died in the Ukrainian War
Hello!!! My sunshine!
It wasn't easy, but I wrote it.
Hello!!! My sunshine!
How are you there? I so want to hear your voice and see you, even for just an hour. Now, you're not cold there, there's no rain or wind with snow like in the trenches, and nothing hurts anymore... It's spring here, sunshine, the first spring without you, and I don't know how to get through it. If only you knew how hard it is for me... Sometimes there are moments when I just want to fall asleep and not wake up. I cry every day; the tears I've shed in these past two months are more than in my entire life. We were supposed to grow old together, watch our children get married, and wait for grandchildren. I still can't understand how this happened. Why you? Did you feel that you would die? You sent me money to buy a new wedding ring, and then you said you would buy yours when you returned.
I bought it, but you never came back. Now I am a widow with a ring as a memory... Sometimes I think that if I hadn't bought that ring, you would still be alive, or if I hadn't gone to visit my sister in another region that day and stayed home, this wouldn't have happened. These thoughts keep swirling in my head. Forgive me for crying every day. Everyone says you can see it and that you are suffering too, but I can't help it; I can't let you go... After the funeral, I visited your grave every day, then came home and just lay there, not eating, not getting out of bed, not even looking at my phone, just staring at the ceiling and crying. When it was 40 days, our son and I came to see you, brought flowers, and on the way back, he said, "I took dad to the war, and I brought him back in a coffin." I realized how much pain our child is carrying in his heart. When you asked him to drive you to the Territorial Defense headquarters, who could have thought this would happen? The day after we found out about your death, he didn't say anything to me. He just got in the car and went to bring you home so you could spend your last night with us. Sometimes I see him sitting and crying, his tears falling to the floor. He’s still so young, only 24 this year, and everything has fallen on his shoulders without your support. Your daughter came from Germany. We were all with you that night, a night that seemed so terrifying, but I felt calm knowing you were close... You know, it’s strange. I understand that your body is no longer alive, cold, but the realization that you were near brought me some peace.
The day of the funeral was a nightmare. So many people took you away, a deep pit, the sound of earth hitting the coffin... That’s all I remember. Many nights, I relived that horror in my dreams. I forgot what sleep is like. Our whole life is destroyed. Our daughter doesn't want anything anymore. She doesn't go to the volunteer center "because dad isn't here." She doesn't want to finish her studies because she used to want to work as a doctor in Germany to make you proud, but now she doesn't care anymore. And I am terrified because I can't help them. I can't even pull myself out of this abyss. I understand that they have no one but me, so I continue to live without any plans for the future. I just live because I’m alive...
Your war is over now, but for us, nothing has changed. The war continues, and I'm afraid it will last for a long time. Every day, there are new women and children left without fathers. So young, the graves keep growing in number, and the cemeteries are full of flags... Honestly, for me, the war also ended when you were gone. I don’t care about anything anymore, except for our son. We’ve all been orphaned without you. The house you built yourself is now empty... We had so many plans for the future that will never come true. Did you ever think it would hurt me this much? You left, and now I’m left with a burned-out emptiness inside. People continue to live their lives, and for them, you’re slowly fading into the past. But not for me and the children. You will always be in our hearts. Every day I live brings me closer to you. I love you... Until we meet again, somewhere beyond the horizon.
I also want you to read this poem. I didn’t write it, but I adapted it for us...
Look, my dearest, the sun has risen,
The cranes are nesting on the willows,
Two months, Vasya, have passed in sorrow,
Your beloved home is now orphaned.
The home you built with so much effort,
But it seems you weren’t meant to live there...
Because the enemy came, so treacherous and vile,
And Vasyl ran to defend his country.
He knew in his heart that he would go to war,
He prepared, thinking about it every moment...
For our father had only one thought,
To drive the invaders out of Ukraine!
Always calm and composed,
And deeply respected by his comrades,
But tell me, why are there now traces in the sky?
Why did the Angels take you so soon?
Spring, spring... with no plans for life,
For how can you live on earth without a heart?
Only a lonely grave remains,
Where I will come until the end of my days.
The ash trees have bowed in sorrow,
Nature feels my grief,
And every day, our daughter and son mourn,
Remembering their father's teachings.
For he truly fought bravely,
For the land, the garden, the little house,
In Blahodatne, he laid down his head,
My Vasyl died for Ukraine!
Look, my dear, the snowdrops are in the grass,
But there will be no more joy in spring...
Only the cranes on the old willow tree
Will carry my pain to the people...
Crosses, crosses, and how much more sorrow?
Why, God, did you choose Ukraine,
In prayer, I stand on my knees,
For I’ve placed my heart in a coffin...
Two months have passed as if they were never real,
This abyss will never end,
Twenty-eight years of marriage, golden years,
But the executioners ruthlessly shattered our fate...
Rest, my beloved, in the blue skies,
The wax candle will warm you,
And come home, if only in my dreams,
For I’m not ready to let you go from my heart...
Ludmyla Oleksyuk / Ukraine
YUSUF İNAN / Journalist - Author
Everyone and everything dies, but only martyrs live forever.
